Late Night Political Humor Sept 27-Oct 16

Daniel Kurtzman


"Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will seek financial help from Washington. The bad news is that we are stuck in line behind Iraq." —Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney has given another speech linking Saddam Hussein with the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Didn't President Bush say Saddam Hussein has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks? Here's my question, what if it turns out that Dick Cheney is the dumb one?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works because he has been testing it here since the day he took office." —Jay Leno

"Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Cleveland has officially announced he is running for President of the United States. If elected, he would be the first bachelor president since, well, Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man — he already has all of his sex scandals behind him." —David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno

"In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"On the Christian Broadcasting Network, Pat Robertson said the State Department should be blown up with nuclear bombs. I guess he just asked himself: What Would Jesus Do?" —Jay Leno

President Bush vowed to weaken Fidel Castro’s hold on power. Let me tell you something, if Bush does the same thing to Castro he did to Saddam and Osama, this guy’s got a job for life." —Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh admitted he has a drug problem. Apparently he ran out." —Jay Leno

"There is an investigation now, they say Rush could go to prison. You thought he was against gay marriages before!" —Jay Leno

"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a page straight from the GOP playbook, the Democratic National Committee has announced it will give everyone who raises $100,000 or more for the party the title of Patriots.The Republican party has a similar program, only their $100,000 fund-raisers are called Pioneers. And of course, the Green party's $100,000 donors are called Woody Harrelson." —Jon Stewart

"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'" —Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

"President Bush called Arnold yesterday to congratulate him. Arnold was very polite. He thanked him for the economy, cause let's face it, he couldn't have won without that Bush economy." —Jay Leno

"Today at a speech in New Hampshire, President Bush defended the war in Iraq saying, 'I was not about to leave the security of American people in the hands of madman.' So, I guess he's firing Donald Rumsfeld." —Jay Leno

"In a recent press conference Donald Rumsfeld said that he had no idea that the U.S. was reorganizing the leadership structure in Iraq and that nobody had consulted him. Rumsfeld was furious and said, 'I'm tired of being treated like President Bush.'" —Conan O'Brien

"A toy company announced this week that it is coming out with a Muslim version of Barbie. The company says the Muslim Barbie comes with a car she is not allowed to drive." —Conan O'Brien

"In his last day of campaigning, Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for groping women in his past. He said 'What can I say, it was the '70s, '80s and '90s." —Conan O'Brien

"The L.A. Times reported that Arnold groped six women — two more women and he is an honorary priest." —David Letterman

"I'm still not sure who to vote for: you got Arnold who groped a few women, or Davis who screwed the whole state." —Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flash light." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush is going to Las Vegas, his first time as president. It's his new economic plan, a billion dollars on red." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN's sunday NFL Countdown after racially charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that Mcnabb was given too much credit for his performance because he was black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: Black people are not good at sports." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The big story in Washington seems to be this leak of this CIA agents name. President Bush is furious and told his staff today 'This one time I want the truth and I want the truth now.' And they told him 'You lost the election, you're not really president.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush wants $87 billion for Iraq, $20 billion of which will build their roads, their railroad bridges and public buildings. Is there anyway to get California to declare war on the United States?" —Jay Leno

"According to a recent article, the Bush campaign is convinced that the election of 2004 could be won or lost on a handful of votes. Those votes would be Sandra Day O'Connor, Clarence Thomas, Rhenquist." —Jay Leno

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate Dennis Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the defense budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the remark in response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of winning?'" —Conan O'Brien