Laughin' All The Way To The Bank

Late Night Politics

"Yesterday in the Rose Garden, President George W. Bush staged, as CNN dramatically highlighted, his ninth solo press conference. Notice the emphasis on the word 'solo.' What is Bush, Lindbergh crossing the Atlantic?" —Jon Stewart

"You know, something like 90 people who have now filed to run for governor in this recall election. They say there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. You know, it's really easy to run here in California. All you need is like a couple of signatures, not many, thirty-five hundred bucks, you're on the ballot, like that. I mean, what does it say about California? We have stricter requirements to get on 'American Idol' than we do to run for governor." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he's not gonna run. But I'll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don't want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go — 'Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's economic team is now on their jobs and growth bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." —Jay Leno

"Senator Bob Graham of Florida said if we apply the same standards of impeachment to President Bush in Iraq that we did with President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, Bush would be impeached. See I think these are two completely different situations. One president was invading Arab territory, the other president was invading Jewish territory." —Jay Leno

"The U.S. government says it is hot on the trail of Saddam Hussein. And you when they say they are 'hot on the trail,' you know what that means. It means a year from now they'll be saying they are 'hot on the trail of Saddam Hussein.'" —David Letterman

"They say that Saddam is alone, they say he is isolated, but he still has more loyal followers than California Governor Gray Davis." —David Letterman

"The military said that Saddam is running out of places to hide. Let's just hope he doesn't hide with his weapons of mass destruction. Then we'll never find him." —Jay Leno

"Newsweek magazine is reporting that after Uday was killed, U.S. forces found a briefcase next to his body. And the briefcase contained cologne, Viagra, men's underwear, $100 million in cash and one single condom. That is so typical guy isn't it? He's got a $50 million bounty on his head, hundreds of troops outside the door waiting to kill him and he's thinking 'Well maybe there'll be some chicks. I'll bring a condom just in case.'" —Jay Leno

"We finally got the Hussein boys and President Bush has been gloating about it all week. And why shouldn't he? Finally, he said, some good news I don't have to make up." —Bill Maher

"The president has ordered United States Marines to be positioned off the coast of Liberia. He said 'Don't worry, we will not be losing more American lives.' His plan this time is to bypass the war altogether and go straight to the photo op on the deck of the ship." —Bill Maher

"If you don't know anything about Uday and Qusay, these were bad guys. This is what they did all day, they watched pornos, they drank alcohol and they gambled. Which of course has got Congress all worried because they're going 'They can shoot you for that?'" —Jay Leno

"The council's first official act was replacing several official Saddam-themed national holidays with a new one: April 9th, the day Baghdad fell. Iraqis can now look forward to next April's Baghdad Liberation Day sales, which will be advertised as having 'prices so low, it's almost like looting.'" —Jon Stewart, on the first session of the Iraqi Congress