Best of Late Night Political Humor This Month

"President Bush is also the first U.S. president to spend the night in Buckingham Palace at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the president around, Prince Charles asked President Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush said, 'Whoa, I'm from Texas, don't try any of that funny stuff with me.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush says his visit to England is going so well, if time permits, he wants to visit the United Kingdom and Great Britain as well." —Jay Leno

"Last night in London, President Bush had dinner at Buckingham Palace with Queen Elizabeth and the Prince of Wales. Everything was going fine until the president told the Prince of Wales, 'I loved free Willy.'" —Conan O'Brien

"In England they are furious over President Bush's visit. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described President Bush as 'the greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing this President Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about Godzilla?" —Conan O'Brien

"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'" —Craig Kilborn

"There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra." —Craig Kilborn

"Some Democrats are talking seriously about Hillary Clinton running for president in 2004. I don't think they are serious. I think they are trying to get Rush Limbaugh to go back on drugs." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh went back to work today. Rush said that the five weeks he spent in rehab were the best weeks of his life. And Democrats say the five weeks he was off were the best weeks of their lives too." —Jay Leno

"We begin tonight with national security — an issue President Bush has emphasized here at home and is utterly disrupting across the Atlantic. Tomorrow the president flies to England for a three-day state visit with coalition partner Tony Blair. In preparation, British officials are stepping up security measures and putting more police on the streets than at any time since the end of World War II in anticipation of possible violence. Remember this is England, our ally — I guess all the cops and troops are there to make sure things don't get too friendly. ... British Intelligence services have even taken the step of raising England's terror alert level to 'severe general,' which is — I hate the metric system — I think it is orange." —Jon Stewart

"In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday that it has found no evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran, leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The Bush administration announced that it is starting its own news channel in Iraq so they can deliver the administration's point of view without any interference. Not surprisingly they are gonna call it the Fox News Network." —Conan O'Brien

"Good news — Rush Limbaugh is out of rehab after being gone for a month. He sobered up and realized he is a liberal Democrat." —David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh announced he is going back to work on Monday. Doctors say his rehab was successful but it may be weeks before he is 100 percent self-righteous." —Jay Leno

"There is talk now that the U.S. may start pulling out of Iraq in the next eight weeks. What, are they are out of oil already?" —Craig Kilborn

"American officials in Iraq are reportedly very frustrated with the Iraqi government because instead of making progress, the Iraqis are fighting about who's gonna be in charge and who's gonna make the most money. We said we wanted to give them American style democracy — sounds like they got it." —Jay Leno

"Scary development down in Washington yesterday. A small plane entered White House airspace. It's always scary when that happens. President Bush was rushed to an undisclosed fundraiser." —David Letterman

"CNN admitted that they planted a question in the Rock The Vote debate last week. Seems they gave a college student from Brown University questions they had written. Luckily it was a Democratic debate so no one saw it." —Jay Leno

"Democratic candidate Wesley Clark said he has a plan for catching Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? He can't even catch Howard Dean....Clark says he has plans to deploy Saudi Arabian commandos to catch the terrorists — the only problem is the Saudi Arabian commandos are the terrorists." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has blamed the problems over there on foreign groups that have arrived in Iraq with the goal of setting up their own style of government, to which Cheney said, 'That's us.'" —Jay Leno

"The Democratic presidential campaign is heating up. Yesterday Democratic Senator John Kerry announced that he fired his campaign manager. Kerry made the decision after he overheard his campaign manager asking 'Which one is John Kerry again?'" —Conan O'Brien

"Democratic hopeful John Kerry fired his campaign manager when a poll revealed that if the election was held today John Kerry would lose to his campaign manager." —Craig Kilborn

"CBS canceled their Reagan miniseries. CBS said they did not cave into pressure from conservatives. Now you know what the BS stands for in CBS." —Jay Leno

"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since. On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." —Jay Leno

"CBS cancelled its miniseries on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"CBS has cancelled its miniseries the Reagans after complaints that it portrayed Ronald Reagan as nothing more than a bumbling B-list actor controlled by a domineering wife. What are the odds that James Brolin would get a role like that?" —Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman

"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight — he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school, and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." —Jay Leno

"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate, candidates John Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had smoked marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes marijuana." —Conan O'Brien

"The new 'Matrix' movie opened today -- here is the plot: Neo is the one and Morpheous must find the oracle to stop the last outpost of Zion from being destroyed. No, wait a minute, I'm sorry, that is why we went into Iraq." —David Letterman

"A new erectile dysfunction drug claims it will allow men to last seven times longer than Viagra. In a related story, Elizabeth Dole has gone into hiding." —Conan O'Brien

"This week the federal government announced that the U.S. economy grew by 7 percent in the 3rd quarter — that is the largest increase in 20 years. The White House is already taking credit for it. Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier dressed as an accountant." —Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain recently compared the situation in Iraq to the Vietnam era — to which President Bush replied, 'What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Earlier in the week, at the dedication of the new religious youth center in Texas, President Bush said that Congress has stalled his faith-based initiative. Congress said they are not stalling, it's just hard to come up with some language to get around that annoying U.S. Constitution." —Jay Leno

"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney before leaving Washington yesterday. Why meet with Bush when you can meet with the guy who is really in charge?" —Jay Leno

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman