INAUGURAL SPEECHES FROM OUR ACTION HEROES

G. XAVIER ROBILLARD in McSweeney's

He-Man

Although I realize that I was not elected by a majority, I pledge to represent the interests of all. I have also retained many of my father's advisers to guide my way.

I will cut taxes, balance the budget, and rid the world of Skeletor. Skeletor is evil. Skeletor does not believe in free trade. Perhaps my words are too moralistic, too black and white. But look at him—his face is a skull! He sits on a throne made of bones. This is an evil man, working in evil times. And I know, from various intelligence sources, including my trusted aide Man-at-Arms and my Security Adviser Generic-Noun-Name, that Skeletor has been working on a new weapon: a weapon that could destroy the nation. You in the media don't believe me. Some have cynically reported that I am using fear to gain votes. If any members of the press corps wish to find out what Skeletor is up to, they can take a trip to Castle Grayskull, expenses paid from my Mattel stock options. Any takers? I didn't think so.

Jem

It's Truly Outrageous that you've elected me to this position. As many of you have learned from my memoir—Jem—Truly Revealing!—it was a long hard road from the orphanage to become a rock star whose songs touch people's hearts. Armed with little more than great hair, superpower earrings, a keen fashion sense, and a sizable inheritance, I was able to make my way to be here with you today. And I won't let you down.

Optimus Prime

As the first robot/semitruck to be elected to these hallowed halls, I pledge to rebuild America. To repair our crumbling roads and bridges, to lower gas prices, and to increase the speed limit. Things that all Americans need.

Our military is stretched too thin, and we need to increase spending to combat the Decepticon menace. It will be expensive—the liberals and the media complain that $87 billion is too much to construct a fleet of vehicles that transform into fighting robots. But we didn't ratify the Decepticon Proliferation Treaty, and now they're everywhere, threatening our very way of life. And, might I remind you, not a single Decepticon is made in America. The Central Intelligence Agency has suggested that some were built by the French.