Late-Night Political Jokes

Daniel Kurtzman's Late-Night Political Jokes and Funny Quotes:

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." -Craig Kilborn

'Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard." - Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush spent a little time with National Guard troops training in Louisiana. In fact, when he arrived, the commanding officer said, 'Hey, you're a little late by about 30 years.'" -Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush attended the Daytona 500, how many folks enjoyed watching the Daytona 500? But President Bush left before the race was over, you know, like his National Guard duty." -David Letterman

"A retired National Guard commander says he remembers President Bush showing up there for duty back in the '70s. He remembers Bush because he used to come into his office, sit down, and read. However, payment records released by the White House say that could not have been President Bush. Just the fact that the guy was sitting there reading I think suggests the fact that it was not George Bush." -Jay Leno

"John Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." -Jay Leno

"The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction." -Jay Leno

"I think the White House is starting to backtrack a little bit. Like today they said president Bush may not have attended the National Guard, but he did attend National Guard related program activities." -Jay Leno

"Remember Saddam Hussein, they pulled him out of that hole, remember Saddam Hussein? Well, he's still over there, and they've got him at the Marriott and they've been interrogating him and they've learned some fascinating things about the man. He's a drug user. Yeah, apparently he first smoked marijuana in 1959. And that explains his six-month absence from the Iraqi National Guard." -David Letterman

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" -Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"It's Valentine's Eve and in honor of that President Bush announced today that he is doubling the funding for abstinence only sex ed programs. Just because other people are doing it, doesn't mean you have to participate -- kind of like National Guard duty." -Bill Maher

"That is a story that will not go away from the White House. They tried this week to prove that Bush did show up in Alabama for his National Guard service and they showed he had a dental appointment. ... Which raises even more questions, for one, they have dentists in Alabama?" -Bill Maher

"Today the White House released all of the President's military records. They are divided into two sections, scorched and shredded." -Craig Kilborn

"In a stunning announcement the FBI and the Army have arrested a 26-year-old National Guard member from Washington State who allegedly was trying to pass secrets to al Qaeda. President Bush was shocked. He said 'What, people show up for National Guard duty?'" -Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." -Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a speech yesterday on the spread of Pakistan's weapons of mass destruction. He said 'These aren't like those other weapons of mass destruction, these weapons actually exist.'" -Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." -Jay Leno

"John Edwards on the show tonight. He's also running for president. I guess this is a tradition in his family; I'm going to ask him about this. On their first anniversary, he and his wife went to Wendy's because they were in the middle of a move. And now they do it every year. Forget his two America's speech. This should be his platform. Any guy that can convince his wife to go to Wendy's every year for his anniversary; think what he could convince other world leaders to do." -Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -David Letterman

"The White House announced today that during the Vietnam War, President Bush was listed as MIA - Missing In Alabama." -Jay Leno

"Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?" -Craig Kilborn

"Who cares if Bush did his job in the national guard 30 years ago. Personally, I'm more afraid of the job he's doing now." -Jay Leno

"Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter." -Jon Stewart

"General Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican." -Jay Leno

"The congressional hearings began today into the Janet Jackson's half-time Super Bowl scandal. It's interesting to me, they won't look into Iraq, they're not looking into Enron. But by god, Janet Jackson's bra, they're looking into that." -David Letterman

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." -Craig Kilborn

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" -Jay Leno

"I love watching the White House press conferences, they're very enjoyable. I love watching talented journalists who spent their entire lives to get the point where they're in the White House press corps only to find out they're dictation machines where the White House will tell them what to say. But I'm watching it today and the strangest thing happened, today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!" -Jon Stewart

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."' -Jon Stewart

"President Bush also said Sunday that he wants to lead the world to more peace. More peace ? can we take any more of this peace? I mean, it worked so well in the Middle East, let's spread the peace around a little bit." -Jay Leno

"Former president Bill Clinton won a Grammy in the spoken word category. If you had told me a year ago that Bill Clinton would be a Grammy winner and that Janet Jackson would be the subject of a government sex investigation ..." -Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop-out." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" -Craig Kilborn

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" -Jay Leno

"In light of the Ricin scare both the House and the Senate are considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents, so if you want to contact your elected representatives, just wire the money directly into their accounts." -Dennis Miller

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." -Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin." -Tina Fey

"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." -Bill Maher

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy." -Tina Fey

"During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we can expect them to go after those things that represent success.' Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the destruction of our accomplishments." -Jon Stewart, on Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's recent trip to Iraq

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." -Jay Leno

"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?" -David Letterman

"I don't think President Bush is getting this situation. He said, 'If we don't set standards of decency, the nipples have won.'" -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is getting a little desperate to justify the war. He's looking for a country music star to write a song called, 'Sometimes America Just Likes to Kick Some Ass.'" -Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." -Jay Leno