Washington One-Liners

The Gridiron Menu: A Buffet of Guffaws (washingtonpost.com)

"In the Clinton administration, we used to say in eight years, we've added more than 22 million new jobs," [Sen. Hillary Clinton] said, offering Bush a lesson in campaign spin. "You guys could say: 'Since 1993, our country has created 19 million new jobs.' " The Clinton administration also used to say it had "moved millions from welfare to work," to which Bush could add, she quipped, "We've made that journey round trip."

Clinton acknowledged Cheney, who was sitting in for the president at the head table. "I actually saw the vice president as we were walking in," she said. "I was getting out of my car . . . he was getting out of Justice Scalia's."

There was more. "The truth is, I know Vice President Cheney, and I know that he believes in the separation of the three powers: Kellogg . . . Brown . . . and Root."

After the petit fours, Cheney fired back. "I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Senator Clinton," he countered. "She's the only person who's the center of more conspiracy theories than I am."

Instead of grinning through the four-hour, white-tie roast, Bush hunkered down at the Crawford ranch with Mexican President Vicente Fox. That gave Gridiron president Al Hunt, columnist for the Wall Street Journal and a television commentator, his opening: "That pretty much sums up the White House philosophy: Why waste time with newspaper reporters when you can spend quality time with Fox?"

Howard Dean had been the subject of a prominent skit. After his disastrous primary season, the writers reduced the former Democratic front-runner to a minor scream. But Dean had the courage to accept an invitation. And he agreed to belt out a solo (to the tune of "On Wisconsin"): "In Wisconsin, in Wisconsin, I had my last chance. Edwards, Kerry played too dare-y. And they beat the pants right off me. I'm a dreamer, I'm a screamer. But I got what I want. I kicked Kerry's butt in the Republic of Vermont."

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said she enjoyed them all, but only had instant recall of Clinton's best line: "I'm Hillary Clinton, and the State of the Union is strong."

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who was introduced as the man who handed Bush the "Social Security tar baby," accepted birthday wishes -- he turned 78 -- and offered thanks to the club for staging such a great party for him. Then he asked to be off the record. Someone surmised that Clinton's voice had been done in "because Rudy gave her the cigar to smoke."

According to Hunt, the president never officially declined the Gridiron's invitation. Nor did Ralph Nader. Perhaps the perpetual presidential candidate knew he would be portrayed on stage as a skunk. He needn't feel dissed. The Dennis Kucinich character, who appeared in a giant carrot costume, was reduced to rabbit food.