Late Night Political Humor

~ Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman | Late-Night Joke Archive

Jokes for the Week of Oct. 31-Nov. 6

"George Bush was elected president of the United States, and you know what they say, the first time is always the sweetest." --Bill Maher

"Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man he couldn't decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran." --Jay Leno

"In fact, the GOP did so well, the only Republican without a mandate: Dick Cheney's daughter." --Jay Leno

"Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France because that's where we're invading next." --Bill Maher

"President Bush was re-elected and today he hit the ground vacationing." --David Letterman

"On election night Bush only got two hours sleep, but don't worry, he'll nap through intelligence briefings." --David Letterman

"The Republican Party is now in charge of the presidency, the Senate, the House, and the Supreme Court. You know how they got there? They got there by saying the liberals control everything." --Jay Leno

"As you know Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will 'bankrupt the United States.' And today President Bush said, 'two can play that game, pal.'" --Jay Leno

"Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes, an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be. Yeah, suck on that, Scalia!" --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"If you want to have gay sex or visit a library, it's probably your last night to do those things … Personally I'll be killing two birds with one stone." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms, on the Bush mandate

"The president is focusing on his agenda for the next three years. One: finishing the war in Iraq. Two: starting the war in three other places." --Ed Helms

"President Bush was really sweating this, because he knew if Kerry won, he's probably make Bush go to Iraq and finish his National Guard service." --Jay Leno

"No word yet on what Daschle will do in private life, but insiders agree, whatever it is, it's safe to assume he'll be ineffective." --Jon Stewart

Collected by Daniel Kurtzman

Political Humor also has a very interested two maps - Slave States and Territories / Bush States.