Late-Night Political Jokes

Daniel Kurtzman's Late-Night Political Jokes and Funny Quotes from About.com

"The president's popularity took a nose dive lately. It's at 49 percent, the lowest point ever. He says he is not down-hearted about it, he says 'Look the election is just a year away and remember I only need one less vote than the other guy.'" —Bill Maher

"[General Wesley Clark] participated in the debate with the Democrats. He was the new star. And he had to answer the question 'Why is he suddenly a Democrat?' He said he did not fit in with the Republicans because he is pro-choice, pro-affirmative action, and once when he was young and impressionable, he fought in a war." —Bill Maher

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate Dennis Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the defense budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the remark in response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of winning?'" —Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration — going back and forth — finally immigration came in and hauled them both away." —David Letterman

"So, congratulations, actually, to Florida. You're no longer our most damning national embarrassment. Perhaps you can have a wet t-shirt contest to celebrate." —Jon Stewart, on the California recall debate

"Bush's approval rating has fallen to its lowest levels ever. Let me tell you, it's going to be hard on President Bush if he is a one-term president. His father was a one-term president, but at least his father got elected once." —Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke to the United Nations yesterday and it didn't go well. Many of its members accused him of unilateralism. Bush was angry when he heard this and even angrier when he was told what it meant." —Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush spoke to the U.N. and asked the world to help Iraq write a constitution. Today, John Ashcroft said 'What's a constitution?'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke at the United Nations saying that right now it is more important than ever that the countries of the world be united. Which they are united — against us." —Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno