Friday, December 26, 2003

December Late Night Political Jokes

"Saddam is now being interrogated by the CIA. He is claiming he doesn’t know anything. So either he’s lying or his vice president ran everything too." —Jay Leno

"According to the tabloid newspapers, Rush Limbaugh is now claiming that his maid blackmailed him. Yeah, and Strom Thurmond’s maid tricked him into getting her pregnant. When are these rich white men going to stop falling prey to these tricky maids?" —Jay Leno

"We want to wish our best to Secretary of State Colin Powell. I understand his prostate surgery was very successful, which is good news – although now they have to change his name to Semicolon Powell." —Jay Leno

"President Bush says he doesn't want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November." —Jay Leno

"The late South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond devoted much of his life to the cause of racial segregation, but when it came to separating to whites and blacks, he did make an exception for his penis." —Jon Stewart

"They say that Saddam is acting like a jerk and that he still believes he's president. It's just like Al Gore." —David Letterman

"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" —Conan O'Brien

"Few men in history have racked up a more horriffic record of human rights abuses than Iraqi dictator and filthy hippie Saddam Hussein. But who should hold him in judgement? On Monday, President Bush argued for the tyrant to be tried by his countrymen in a process the world would respect. [airs clip of Pres. Bush: "We will work with the Iraqis to develop a way to try him that will stand international scrutiny. I guess that's the best way to put it."] You know, he can't even say international scrutiny without getting nauseous. ... President Bush went on to make it clear that he wasn't out for vigilante justice. [Bush: "Of course, I have my own personal views on how he ought to be treated. But I'm not an Iraqi citizen."] He added, 'Look, I'm just the guy who invaded the country, destroyed their army and had Saddam arrested at gun point. It's not my call.'" —Jon Stewart

"During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us — and Howard Dean said 'Hey, that's my line!'" —Jay Leno

"Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld." —Conan O'Brien

"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction." —David Letterman

"When they found him Dick Cheney wanted to know how big the hole was and whether or not there was oil in it." —Jay Leno

"They took a DNA sample from him — that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'" —Jay Leno

"In footage that's already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party." —Jon Stewart

"The Pentagon says that Dick Cheney's old company Halliburton has been overcharging the government in its 'no bid' contract in Iraq. Boy, how bad are you overcharging when the Pentagon notices?" —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

"General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno

"Front-runner wanna-be John Kerry is coming under fire for his words, well a word. In the current issue of Rolling Stone, in an interview the Massachusetts senator defended his initial support of the Iraqi invasion by noting and I quote, 'When I voted for the war, I voted for what I thought was best for the country. Did I expect George Bush to f--- it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did.' Analysts saw the profanity as a ploy by Kerry to connect with Rolling Stone's young readers. White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card was quick to condemn Kerry's talks. Mr. Card then hurried back to his job f---ing up Iraq." —Jon Stewart

el - These jokes, and many more, are compiled by Danial Kurtzman at About Political Humor which has other good stuff. He is also blogging Quirky, Strange and Flat-Out Funny Political News.

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