About Two Weeks of Late Night Political Humor

"Because of the hurricane the Bush administration sent home all non-essential government employees. Like his economic team, CIA fact checkers, his environmental advisers ... all the non-essentials." —Jay Leno

"Retired four-star General and former NATO Commander Wesley Clark threw his beret into the ring today appearing in Little Rock, Arkansas to declare himself a candidate for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination. The announcement brings to ten the number of Democrats running for president that most Americans can't name." —Jon Stewart

"On the East coast, [more than] 100,000 people are getting ready to flee Hurricane Isabel. And thanks to President Bush's economic plan, many places have already gotten a head start boarding up their businesses." —Jon Stewart

"The election is now put off until March, but recall supporters say they are going to ask the U.S. Supreme Court to get involved. And if the U.S. Supreme Court gets involved, you know what that means — the next Governor of California: George W. Bush." —Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Colin Powell said he cannot speed things up in Iraq, Powell says Iraq is not ready for self government at the moment it cannot be trusted to run a fair democratic election by itself, apparently neither can California." —Jay Leno

"The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled." —Jay Leno

"There are reports now that retired Army General Wesley Clark may enter the presidential race... which could be a big problem for President Bush. I mean Clark is a Rhodes Scholar, first in his class at West Point, and he owns his own flight suit." —Jay Leno

"Voters in Alabama rejected a 1.2 billion dollar tax increase. The governor said if it isn't approved, schools will go bankrupt, the police force will be cut by one third and thousands of inmates will be released early. So, it will be just like California, but with less teeth." —Jay Leno

"Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate." —Jay Leno

"Last night's Democratic debate was on the Fox News Channel. It was on Fox and it was sponsored by the Black Congressional Caucus. And it was on Fox. So, I guess my point is that's like the plantation sponsoring some kind of planting festival. I'm not sure what Fox's angle is, but I'm pretty sure it's evil." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush, to help stabilize the situation in Iraq, is asking for $80 billion dollars. I'm wondering, why is he asking us? That's like one Republican fundraiser." —David Letterman

"The U.S. Mint is printing $20 dollar bills in peach. I think this is a fantastic idea. The government is hoping this will distract us from the fact that we have fewer of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush is asking Congress for $80 billion dollars to re-build Iraq. And when you make out that check, remember there are two L's in Halliburton." —David Letterman

"President Bush said he needs that $80 to re-build Iraq's infrastructure, to re-build Iraq's economy and to re-build Iraq's electrical grid. And if it works in Iraq, he's going to try it in this country." —David Letterman

"Britney Spears preceded the president there at the big NFL kickoff show and her costume was a salute to the president's educational proposals. It's true, every time she turned around you could see a child's left behind." —Bill Maher

"The United Nations says it needs more time to consider our generous offer to let them clean up our mess in Iraq. While they're thinking about that, President Bush has asked the Salvation Army if they would at least consider picking up Afghanistan if we hauled it to the curb." —Bill Maher

"Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the '70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush." —Jay Leno

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman for about.com.