Comedy Monday

"Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go back to Alabama?" Jay Leno

"John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one Purple Heart from deep dish pizza." Jay Leno

"Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back." Jay Leno

President Bush used an Associated Press luncheon to address a recent poll showing two-thirds of Americans believe another terrorist attack is 'somewhat likely' before the November elections.

Reassure us, Mr. President!

(Bush footage:) 'Our intelligence is good. It's just never perfect, that's the problem. We're disrupting cells here in America. We're chasing people down. But we've got a big country.'

There you have it. Vote Bush in '04. Because if this were Luxembourg, he could keep us safe." Jon Stewart

"Quite frankly, I think it's a good law. I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion.... And it turns out I was just thirsty." on 24-hour abortion waiting periods." - Sarah Silverman

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