Darwin Awards

Janette sends this in: The Darwin Award 2003.

The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been
keen.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into
the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in
a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying
him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could
not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour
to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in
the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.

One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was
tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say, "
said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night." "There's
just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop.

Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him"
said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there
to help him, he lay under the dung for at least an hour before a watchman
came along, during which time he suffocated.