Late Night Political Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." David Letterman

"Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter Eggs, but no actual eggs." David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense." Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they're calling it in Washington 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you?re trying to cover your ass as the same time." Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice said Saudi Arabia is 'fully enlisted in the war on terrorism.' Yeah. So fully, they're on both sides of it." Jay Leno

"I read something interesting about Condoleezza Rice today. They said she was actually Methodist but became a Presbyterian. You know what that means, she's a converted rice." Jay Leno

"The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It's bad enough he can't find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can't find any eggs either?" Jay Leno

"President Bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it's like to be at home not working." Jay Leno

"The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our allied nations. Isn't that unbelievable? We still have allies?" Jay Leno

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." Jay Leno

"Here's the latest forecast for Iraq: Sunni today but tomorrow it will turn to Shi'ite." Jay Leno

"The good news from Iraq is we brought the Shi'ites and Sunnis together. The bad news: they formed an army." Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we wouldn't have this problem!" Jay Leno

"If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting - a far more high-tech, error-prone system." Jon Stewart

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too." David Letterman

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" Jay Leno

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." David Letterman

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." Craig Kilborn

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" Craig Kilborn

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush and Senator John Kerry released new political ads that don't attack each other and discuss the issues in an intelligent and accurate manner. ... April Fools!" Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush raised $1.5 million in Washington, DC, at a fundraiser. It's all part of his new program, No Cash Left Behind." David Letterman

"Michael Jackson was in Washington, DC and met with a number of Congressmen. He's pretty smart. He knows he's going to have to lie under oath pretty soon, so why not get some expert advice?" Jay Leno