Sunday, June 22, 2003

The Onion | GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

The gain marks the GOP's third consecutive profitable quarter, and puts the party on track for its best 12-month cycle since 1991, the year of the first Gulf War.

"Obviously, we're ecstatic," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL), who celebrated with other high-ranking GOP members at a champagne brunch in his chambers Tuesday. "This is heartening news for our party, especially coming as it does during such a sluggish overall period for the American economy."

The Republican Party's financial health stands in stark contrast to its biggest business rival. The Democratic Party, which suffered its 10th straight fiscal quarter in the red, is expected to miss its earnings mark for the third year in a row. The losses have prompted party leaders to consider the possibility of early retirement for some of its high-ranking legislative-branch officers.


The Onion in History Headlines for June 24, 1957.

Eisenhower Vows to Address Growing Problem in Overdue Library Books
Nation's Housewive's Agree
Science Fiction Writers Have The Bomb!
Status Quo Maintained for 2,000th Consecutive Day

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