Late Night Political Jokes

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." ?Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message. ... And then, Bush also read to preschoolers and he raised over $3 million." ?David Letterman

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." ?Jay Leno

"The Disney company is blocking the distribution of Michael Moore's new movie because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the block has anything to do with winning tax breaks for Florida Governor Jeb Bush, a spokesman from Disney said, 'It's a small world after all.'" ?Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is on a bus tour right now, visiting small towns in Michigan and Ohio, because he says, and I quote, 'I find it really fun to go to a place where people don't expect the president to come.' So the next place he's going ? a bookstore" ?Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said that Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all the workers are Mexican and all the stuff's made in China." ?Jay Leno

"Today in New Mexico, Senator John Kerry spent the day reading children's books to a bunch of kindergarteners. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush went, 'Show off!'" ?Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court is now deciding whether the president can detain an American citizen indefinitely without legal counsel. What? Isn't this why we left England? Didn't we have a King George once already? Hello?" ?Jay Leno

"Actually I'm not sure how well it went for the president. I understand he used all three of his lifelines on the first question." ?Jay Leno, on Bush and Cheney's appearance before the 9/11 commission

"Bob Kerrey and Lee Hamilton left the meeting early to go to another meeting. Where do you possibly have to go? You're meeting with the president and the vice president about the future of the free world and who do you have to meet, the cable guy?" ?Jay Leno

According to Bob Woodward's new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq. He quoted the Pottery Barn rule, 'You break it, you bought it.' See President Clinton believed in the Home Depot rule, 'You either screw it or you nail it.'" ?Jay Leno

"According to a new Gallup poll out today, 61 percent of Iraqis believe the war to remove Saddam Hussein was worth any hardship. The problem is, the other 39 percent are shooting at us." ?Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Treasury Department unveiled the new fifty dollar bill. You know who's on the 50-dollar bill? Grant. Grant was a Republican president, who was a total failure in school, bankrupted his businesses and somehow wound up as president. Bush calls him a role model, a trailblazer ? a leader." ?Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 commission ... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard service." ?Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Cheney went before the commission investigating what exactly happened on 9/11. The President is weird...afterwards, he told reporters he 'enjoyed' it. What? You can say many things, but you can't 'enjoy' it. We kicked back, talked about 9/11, there were cookies ? it was good times!" ?Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush, Dick Cheney appeared before the 9/11 Commission. It had kind of an awkward start. A senator asked, 'How are you, Mr. President?' and they both answered, 'Fine.'" ?Craig Kilborn

"Members of the panel got annoyed because every time they asked Dick Cheney a tough question he grabbed his chest and shouted, 'Elizabeth, it's the big one!'" ?Craig Kilborn

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 Commission today. Bush said he was glad to speak to the 9/11 Commission. In fact, he also said he'll be happy to meet with the 7/11 people too if anybody has any questions." ?Jay Leno

"It was kind of like Family Feud, every time Bush would answer a question, Cheney would go 'Good answer, good answer.'" ?Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" ?Jay Leno

"It was announced today that Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, that's what their problem was, no flag, yeah. That's like the Titanic hitting the iceberg, 'We've got a new chef!'" ?Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9-11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" ?Jay Leno

"GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who ? as we all know ? before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis." ?Jon Stewart

"The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy." ?Jon Stewart

"It's Saddam Hussein's birthday today. You know you're having a bad year when you're birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole." ?Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." ?Jay Leno

"(There's) controversy about Democratic nominee John Kerry throwing away his military medals and ribbons. Not to be outdone, today President Bush threw away his Alabama National Guard spotty attendance ribbon." ?David Letterman

"In an interview yesterday, Maria Shriver said that Arnold Schwarzenegger is 'more compassionate and considerate than he has ever been.' Yeah, for example, now when he grabs a breast, he always cuddles afterwards" ?Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not in office?'" ?Jay Leno

"U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today not only fighting, but giving coalition troops rides to the airport. ... How about our good friend Spain? Could they run any faster. Apparently the Baghdad Hilton has express check out now." ?Jay Leno

"This coalition in Iraq is not holding up well. ... It's kind of ironic. All these foreign countries are willing to take every American job accept this one." ?Jay Leno

"President Clinton's memoirs are going to be released this June. I believe the title of the book is 'Drill Bill.' ... They had the publisher on TV today. He said Clinton's book could be close to 700 pages. ... What is this? Even Clinton's books are fat." ?Jay Leno

Compiled by The Incomparable Daniel Kurtzman who also pointed to: 100 Mistakes for the President to Choose From. He also has a political humor blog.