New Dead Sea scroll reveals Republican Jesus

Betsy Devine reveals what the GOP must know.

This just in: lost teachings of Jesus reveal an obsession with "sinful" sexual acts. He denounced birth control, encouraged people to stone an adulteress, and had Mary Magdalen jailed for soliciting. He threw homosexuals--not money-changers--out of the Temple.

That's the message of a new Dead Sea scroll, being hailed as genuine by conservative Christians from many denominations.


"Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John clearly missed much essential material," said Archbishop Archibald Albecore of Chicago. "This is much closer to what Jesus should have said."