Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'" —Jay Leno

"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." —Craig Kilborn

"They released the 9/11 report today and President Bush wasted no time not reading it." —David Letterman

"The Bush administration announced this week they want to lift the ban on logging. This is part of their No Tree Left Behind program." —Jay Leno

"As John Kerry rides John Edwards charisma into the Democratic convention this week, Washington is abuzz that Vice President Cheney might be dropped from the Republican ticket. On the plus side if he doesn't run, Cheney can spend more time ignoring his lesbian daughter." —Craig Kilbnorn

"White House officials tried to talk to Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president. He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they started calling used cars pre-owned." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is campaigning with the president now and today she stuck her tongue out at reporters. President Bush was so furious at Jenna's childish behavior that he called her a doodie head." —Conan O'Brien

"In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God would mispronounce that many words?" —Jay Leno

"The nation's top election official said the United States will not cancel or postpone the presidential election because of a terrorist attack. He said if there's a problem the Supreme Court will reappoint president Bush immediately rather than waiting two months like they did last time." —Jay Leno

"Big day in the Senate. Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't ram it down your throats, we'll get it in through the back door." —Conan O'Brien

"I love that the Department of Homeland Security always tells Americans if you don't fly commercial airlines, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't hold the Super Bowl or the World Series, 'the terrorists have won.' If you don't get out to the mall and do your Christmas shopping, 'the terrorists have won.' Comes time for the election, 'Oh, let the terrorists have that one.'" —Jay Leno

"President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, 'Who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?'" —Jay Leno

Late-Night Political Jokes - Updated Daily