The Onion is under no pressure to be fair and balanced.
In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.
"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."
Well Funded GOP Block the Vote Campaign in Ohio "Republican Party officials in Ohio took formal steps yesterday to place thousands of (el - paid) recruits inside polling places on Election Day to challenge the qualifications of voters they suspect are not eligible to cast ballots."