Jay Leno

It was a big night for TV tonight. The Victoria’s Secret lingerie show was on CBS. Over on ABC you could watch the girls on "The Bachelor” and here on NBC you could watch the politicians on "The West Wing”. It was called "The night of 1,000 whores.”

Yesterday congress voted to give itself a raise! (boos) And why not? Sure, the country is on a terror alert, we’re on the brink of war, and the economy is in the dumper. Good job fellas!

Instead of a raise congress should work off a commission.

Do you know how much a Senator makes a year? $154,700 dollars per year! But they argue that will stimulate the economy. See their money will trickle down to liquor stores and hookers, it’s giving back to the community.

Today the FBI warned that Al-Qaeda is planning quote, "spectacular attacks” against us. Spectacular attacks? What, is Al-Qaeda part of the gay mafia now? Is that the right word to use?

Once thought dead, but now it is believed Osama bin Laden is still alive. Know what this means – there’s still hope for the Democrats!

The United States is telling the U.N. weapons inspectors that we demand honest and accurate accounts from Iraq on their weapon storage. Honest and accurate? We can’t even get WorldCom and Enron to give us honest and accurate numbers, good luck with the Iraqis.

And today Catholic Bishops announced that they are against war with Iraq. Well of course the Catholic Bishops are against it – they want to see our boys stay at home and not have to go off to war.

The bad news is that Osama bin Laden is still alive. The good news – we can still kill him!

The Democrats have decided that Boston, Massachusetts will be the site of their 2004 convention. However they are saying, "Shhhhhhh don’t tell Al Gore!”

By having the convention on Boston in September both the Democrats and Red Sox can be mathematically eliminated together.

Letterman

Big news from D.C. Today President Bush met with Nobel Peace Prize winner and former President Jimmy Carter. The 76-year old is the former President, or as the Democrats like to call him – their bright shining star for the future

Al Gore is here on the show tonight. He’s here tonight to make me look exciting.

We’re going to see if Al Gore can go the whole show tonight without mentioning, "Tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent.”

I haven’t seen Al Gore in a while. Backstage right now he’s still counting votes.

Do you like medical studies? I like to read about medical studies and then apply them to myself. They say that drinking moderately, like one or two glasses of red wine per day keeps you mentally alert. Right now in Washington they’re trying to get George W. Bush to start drinking again.

Conan

President Bush said in a press conference that he wouldn’t accept any more deception, denial and deceit from Saddam Hussein. After the speech he said to the speech writers, "I haven’t seen that many d’s since high school.”

These were from NewsMax as I cannot find a simpler source.