Late Night Jokes Jab Democrats More Than Bush

The Democratic hopefuls were the butts of 249 jokes between Jan. 1 and March 9, compared to 213 jokes aimed at Bush. Among the Democrats, Howard Dean was the favorite punching bag, with 84 jokes at his expense, followed by John Kerry (53), and Dennis Kucinich (43).

Most of the jokes about intelligence and political honesty focused on Bush, while Kerry drew about half of the cracks about a candidate's appearance.

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." ?Jay Leno

"As the presumptive Democratic nominee, Kerry is protected by the secret service. I don't want to say Kerry is boring, but his secret service code name is Al Gore." ?Jay Leno

"It's the one year anniversary of the Iraq war. President Bush and Dick Cheney shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook of made-up intelligence." ?Bill Maher

"Have you seen any of President Bush's ads? They are really starting to get vicious. We've finally found an American job Bush is willing to fight for: his own." ?Jay Leno

"At a speech yesterday at the Reagan Library, Dick Cheney says John Kerry doesn't have the judgment to be president. And Cheney's seen firsthand what can happen when a guy doesn't have the judgment to be president." ?Jay Leno
"Let's just be real and admit that finally, and unfortunately, true class warfare has come to America: Yale class of '66 versus Yale class of '68." ?Bill Maher

"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." ?Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." ?Jay Leno

"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." ?Jon Stewart

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." ?David Letterman

"John Kerry is claiming that leaders of other countries have told him they hope he defeats President Bush in November. President Bush is now challenging John Kerry to name those foreign leaders. That's a first, Bush challenging anyone to name a foreign leader." ?Jay Leno

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." ?Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." ?Jay Leno

"If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close." ?Jon Stewart

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." ?Jay Leno

"The Bush camp wasted little time condemning Kerry's remarks as uncivil. Campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's off-the-cuff comment, 'unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency.' Bush never had a similar microphone mishap, has he? [Shows tape of Bush saying: 'There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.' Cheney: 'Oh, yeah, he is, big time.'] I gotta tell you, I know there was that one, I was actually thinking more of this one. [Shows tape from Bush's 2003 State of the Union address: 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'] Oh my God, was my mike on? D'oh!" ?Jon Stewart

"A California state senator has proposed an amendment to the California state constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. This is ridiculous, do you know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd end up with someone like an action hero as governor." ?Jay Leno

"In his latest campaign commercial, President Bush talks about 'times of change.' If he thinks these times are changing, wait till November." ?Jay Leno

Staying Up Late So You Don't Have To - Daniel Kurtzman