'President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq. Bush admitted the elections won't be perfect. Well, luckily for him, they're not perfect over here, too. That's how he got elected.' --Jay Leno
'Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can't vote again. It's a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.' --Jay Leno"
"During an interview yesterday, President Bush said 'You can call me anything you want, but don't call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded: 'Whatever you want, Dumbass.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran." --Conan O'Brien
"Fox News' Bill O'Reilly has been at the forefront in defending Christmas, even though, until recently, Fox's own online store invited viewers to buy an 'O'Reilly Factor' holiday ornament for their holiday tree. In the war on Christmas, that's known as friendly fire. ... Legend has it every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS." --Jon Stewart
I'll add that Stephen Colbert tonight declared war on those who declared war on "Happy Holiday." It seems that holidays is a contraction of Holy Days. He said Focus on the Family and Bill O'Reilly and the others are trying to take the holly out of Christmas and just leave it as the culmination of an orgy secular consumer spending.
"Say what you will about George Bush, but at least his interns are only licking the envelopes." --David Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas cards
"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno
"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey
"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." --Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"
"In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and fun aspects of the war." --Conan O'Brien
"Howard Dean said that we can't win in Iraq. And if anybody knows about not winning. it's the Democrats." --Jay Leno
"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey
ADDED BIG BONUS - JIB_JAB 2005 in Review