Friday, May 30, 2003

"Freedom Lies" and other late night comedy

"Ari Fleischer announced last week he was resigning as the Bush administration press secretary in July. Fleischer has earned a reputation as an evasive mouthpiece for the president, who stays on message using ambiguous half- truths — or as they are known at the Bush White House — 'freedom lies.'" —Jon Stewart

"The United Nations has approved the removal of sanctions on Iraq. The lifting of the sanctions will let the Iraqis have a chance to have things they've never had before — like medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"The Clintons are having their big barbecue. Bill gets out the spatula, he gets out the oven mitts, the basting brush ... and then by God he's ready for sex." —David Letterman

"Part of the plan to rebuild Iraq is to create an Iraqi stock market. Haven't these people suffered enough." —Craig Kilborn

"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country." —Jay Leno

"The former governor of New Jersey and the head of the environmental protection agency, Christine Todd Whitman, has resigned. Did you hear about this? Two reasons: Bush felt she was too soft on decimating pristine wilderness, and she was too hung up on that breathable air issue." —David Letterman

"White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that he is leaving his job. After 21 years of government Fleischer said he wants to lie in the private sector." —Conan O'Brien

"The producers of the Matrix are very smart in getting it distributed around the world quickly. What they did was they released it in China first. The government there denied it existed, and then it just spread everywhere." —Jay Leno

"President Bush filed again to run in 2004. I believe his exact words were 'The fix is in.'...Actually, this morning with zero percent of the vote in, Florida is declaring Bush the winner. It's just a formality now." —Jay Leno

"The French ambassador to the U.S. has written an angry letter alleging that the U.S. is engaging in a disinformation campaign of false stories. So, I guess they get the New York Times over there too." —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are falling. Experts say this could delay the next war in the Middle East until the fall." —Jay Leno

"North Korea may have built an atomic suitcase bomb that could slip into this country. The good news, the airlines lost it." —Craig Kilborn

"The U.S. Treasury unveiled a new $20 bill that contains new colors light blue, pale green and peach. The Treasury was responding to complaints that their money wasn't gay enough." —David Letterman

"A satellite dish in New Mexico has picked up signals that may be from another planet. Today President Bush released a statement, 'That's one small step for man, is there oil there?'" —Conan O'Brien

"William Bennett, the man they call the moral voice of America, lost almost $8 million playing slot machines. And here is the amazing part: He still has a better economic plan than President Bush." —Jay Leno

"President Bush went to the University of South Carolina where he gave the commencement speech. He was very encouraging. He told the students that sure the economy is tough and things look bad, but if they managed to graduate with a C-average and have the right connections they can end up president of the United States." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's budget director Mitch Daniels resigned yesterday. He didn't want to, but if you don't have a budget, you don't need a budget director." —Jay Leno

From About Political Humor.

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