Saturday, November 18, 2006

More Laughter

I haven't done this in a while - let's see what Daniel Kurtzman has collected.
"Germany is filing a war crimes lawsuit against Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for allegedly allowing the torture of prisoners in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay. Man, that's when you know you've crossed the line -- when Germans are accusing you of war crimes." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he is now listening to Democrats in a new way -- without wiretaps." --Jay Leno (Does it work as well if he said "with wiretaps"?)

"Tomorrow President Bush is leaving for Vietnam. I guess this time his father couldn't get him out of it." --David Letterman

“The (2008 presidential) field's already getting crowded with candidates. Everyone knows about Hillary and McCain, but who else has a shot? On the Republican side, Rudy Giuliani. Hero. 9/11. Time person of the year. Member of the comb over club. But also a member of the New York, divorced, pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-stem cell research, gay-friendly wing of the Republican Party. I'm sorry, did I say wing? I meant room. Did I say room? I meant corner. Did I say corner? I meant table -- for one." –Jon Stewart

"On Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority. Which, if true, can only mean one thing -- the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler

"Bush had lunch with the new Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. I believe the main course was Rumsfeld's head on a platter." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say that George Bush is a lame duck, but this morning, Cheney shot him." --Bill Maher

"I understand a political group is now raising money to have John Kerry become the Democratic candidate for president in 2008. Will it happen? I don't know. It depends on how much money the Republicans can raise." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?" --Jay Leno

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno

Dan Rather, providing election an analysis on The Daily Show:
"She ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie." --on Hillary Clinton's Senate victory
"I'd say as ugly as a hog lagoon after a bachelor party." --on the Virginia Senate race
"If you ain't got the yolk, you can't emulsify the Hollandaise." --on why
Rep. Don Sherwood, the Peruvian mistress wife-strangler, didn't win
"I realized pretty early on that I was just a four-dollar gopher in a two-dollar pelt." --on appearing on The Daily Show
"You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert
Saturday Night Live doing a Nancy Pelosi skit:
"We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me. Whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion. Whether you're a Wiccan priestess, druid, tantric Buddhist priest.... Presbyterian or member of the Cult of Collie, your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies -- except, of course, gerbils."

On the diversity of the new Dem-controlled Congress: "Chairing the Judiciary Committee, John Conyers; at Ways and Means, Charles Rangel; at Homeland Security, Bennie Thompson; at Government Reform, Ernesto Guevara Jr.; at Agriculture, this naked hippie and his old lady; at Small Business, yet another black dude; at Finance, the drummer from Rage Against the Machine; and at Intelligence, al-Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahiri. Truly a Congress that looks like America."

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