Friday, February 09, 2007

Best Late Night Jokes So Far This Year

"Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq, as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don't know your foreign policy, you might only get elected president twice." -- Amy Poehler

"The mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom, who had sex with the wife of his campaign manager, he announced he's going into alcohol rehab. How insulting is that for the campaign manager? Not only did he have sex with your wife but he had to be drunk to do it." --Jay Leno

"I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner." –David Letterman

"There's a big love triangle. This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were in love with the same guy. So this woman astronaut drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. This is one giant step for man, one giant leap to the nuthouse" --David Letterman

“She told the police she was involved with another astronaut, and that it was ‘more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship’ -- or as the Clinton’s call that, marriage.” –Jay Leno

"Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008 a candidate has to get hot at the right time. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Hillary's doomed'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged an aircraft carrier sent to the Persian Gulf sends Iran a strong message that says 'We're here to stay.' Because nothing says 'We're here to stay' like a boat." --Seth Meyers

Last Week:

"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno

"Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry has announced he will not run for president in 2008. But, he has not ruled out losing in 2012." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 21-27

“A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard." --David Letterman

"Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president. Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president. Barack Obama would be the first black president. And Dennis Kucinich would be the first hobbit president." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry has announced that he will not be running for president in 2008. So that means the Democrats are just going to have to find another way to blow the election." --David Letterman

"As it does every year, this State of the Union matches up two bitter rivals: the president of the United States and words. Right now, as we speak, words holds a three to two advantage." --Jon Stewart

"31 million people watched the president -- many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. ... One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans -- the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance." --Jon Stewart, on Bush’s State of the Union address

"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler

"Muslim American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama '24.' A spokesman for Fox said, 'If Muslims are upset about that, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.'" --Conan O'Brien

Jokes for the Weeks of Jan. 7-20

"President Bush is still on the road trying to drum up support for his new Iraq program. ... This time, Bush has an exit strategy for the Iraqi war. In January of 2009, he will escape to Crawford, Texas." --David Letterman

"Democrats have announced that their 2008 presidential convention will be held in Denver. You know, it's interesting that the Republicans haven't made a big deal about where their 2008 convention will be. They are keeping it very low key because they are afraid President Bush will know where it is and will show up." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran." --David Letterman

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno
These and many more collected by Daniel Kurtzman.

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